Thursday, October 18, 2007

"You're closer than the mountains that the ancients gazed upon
You're closer than the air I breathe; Much closer than the sun..
Not out there 'somewhere', out of place and out of touch
You're right here, right now, closer than my life"

This is the song that's been playing in my head for the past week and a half, which is beautiful, because my actual walk with the Lord has been feeling pretty distant. Certain relationships have come to a head, and it seems I am walking on thin ice with them.
I've been getting caught up in what the present circumstances look like, and pretty self-involved, throwing lots of pity parties where only I show up. I've been dragging my butt to church/cell meetings, and even though I want to get out of myself and pray, the struggle just to make words form on behalf of someone else is something I've just had no energy to do. And then I get in the mindset of "What's wrong with me that I have no desire to pray for anyone close to me?" or even worse, I get this mind garbage going around back there somewhere that there is no one close to me, so why care about anyone else? I can literally feel myself getting harder and harder, and more and more stubborn, and less and less like the real me.
Then Ian brings this tape to our cell meeting on walls we put up for protection that actually become our prisons, and releasing the 'shout' to make those walls come crashing down. I know there's stuff in there that's for me, but there's something inside me resisting, to the point where I can feel my teeth clenching, and my whole body tensing up. The next week I have some idea of what's coming, so I plant myself right by the door. "What? You looking for a quick escape?" someone in the room jokes....they have no idea how right they are! My soul is hating this teaching so much, that I just lie there on the floor like some wad of old chewing gum someone's been trying to peel off the bottom of their shoe for years, but the stubborn thing just won't budge. The tape finishes, we pray, the food comes out, and I'm ready to skulk away, another week being disappointed and stuck in myself. Then Dan pipes up..."let's pray for eachother" and I'm thinking, 'like I have any energy left to pray for anyone else; I can't even get up some mornings in time for work, let alone drag myself here. I used to love these people, but at the moment I have very few feelings towards anyone at all.' This attitude is not me, and I know it. But I've been ignoring it for so long, I don't even attempt to shut it down. What happened to the warrior-lady I used to know? Where did she go? Who is this other person inside my head? This unfeeling, self-pitying, draining sponge of a girl? What is she doing there? Who let her in? I am so frustrated inside, and yet on the outside I continue smiling and going through the motions. We start praying for me, and I start crying, although my body is still tense. My teeth are clenched, my back is stiff, and my hands are shoved deep into my pockets. I invited them to pray, but everything about my body language is speaking resistance. They continue to pray, and I know the words are true, I find myself tightening up more and more. It's not until I start speaking out the prayers myself that I begin to feel some release. Tears are streaming down my face, yet my voice is cold. But I have a voice, so that is progress. Finally, I get to the point where I start believing the prayers that are being prayed again. It's like this veil of oppressive lies is being lifted off of me and I can see clearly again. God is good, and is bringing me more clarity. Unfortunately, that's as specific I can be in this place at the moment. Such is the process.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Someone told me I don't blog much up in here anymore.....he's right!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Psalm to remember Hope

Your eyes; Kind eyes; lovin eyes;
Forgiving, accepting, radient and pure
You know me,
from even before my memory (my memory) of my life begins;
Captur(ing) forgotten moments in eternity
Remind(ing) me of who you created me to be.

So One day, if I've forgotten my way (Your way)
Or have lost the path, I know
that all I have to do is gaze into your eyes
(Your pure and perfect eyes)
To remember all that was forgotten
And cling again to the hope of who you made me to be.

You are the lifter of my head
You are the reminder of my purpose
And for this hope I live my life for you

Monday, July 23, 2007

"I made this just for you!"

Well, I realize it's been a while venturing into the blogging community, so I'd better put something up here on the upswing of life, since that's what I've been experiencing this summer!
First off, I got a job (!) in my field (!!) teaching music to little kids (!!!)
It may not be working with the poor directly, but it allows me to live in London and make friends at the shelter on my own time, which I prefer, anyway. The circumstances around getting the job were all God-incidences, starting with a phonecall that reminded me what my passions in life truly were, followed by another phonecall to an old acquaintance who just 'happened' to be home that day, followed by a position that just 'happened' to have come available, followed by coffee with a friend of mine before the job interview who just 'happened' to have attended Montessori and was a close family friend with the lady who was interviewing me. Not only that, but I found out after submitting my resume, that a majority of the fundamental philosophies of Montessori music matched what I intended to do, and my skill sets and interests were exactly what my school was looking for for the fall. So, God is in the details, and working through the details, and shocking me that even in my home town, there's a place for yoking ministry to the poor with educating more priviledged children. He's busting out of yet another box I had put Him in, thinking that since His heart is with the poor, that I needed to abandon my music and my schooling altogether. But I know for certain that God has fit me for this season, and that where I am is where I am supposed to be, and it's a good knowing to have! God is Spirit, and His Spirit is Truth, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom. I know it, I'm living it, and I'm loving Him! Many blessings, friends!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

looking for work...

I thought writing resumes got easier the older you got and the more work experience you had, but I'm realizing it's just not so. I can't even seem to focus on a certain area to look for work. Lord, help me focus, and stop these mini-pity-parties and just get down to doing what needs to be done. THanx in advance, 'cause I know you're always two-steps ahead.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Happy Do something heroic day!

Looking for something heroic to do today? check this out for a hundred ideas!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Googley-gook on my name

Okay, so Denise did this thing, and I wanted to try it goes:

Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search
Aurora needs to refresh, regroup and refocus on its future
THE AURORA [needs a new guitarist
Aurora needs to comply with very stringent regulations on data protection

Type in "[your name] is" in the Google search
Aurora is a distributed shared data (DSD) system based on a standard C++ class library and run-time system
The Aurora is really an oval that covers the north and south magnetic poles
the Howard Johnson Hotel Aurora is ideally situated just 25 minutes from downtown Toronto

Type in "[your name] likes" in the Google search
Aurora likes rices and grains but had been none impressed by risotto
Remember, Aurora likes to hide itself in Internet Explorer. (apparently I'm a virus now!)
Plus, Aurora likes to watch people. (kinda true, but kinda creepy, too!)
Aurora likes to wear make-up, fears nothing and ...(and what? Come on, tell me true!)
Aurora likes learning new languages and exploring other cultures. She enjoys hiking and being in contact with nature. (also true...apparently there are a lot of Aurora's on singles' websites now)

Type in "[your name] wants" in the Google search
Aurora wants to know why phone contract was broken from Daily Herald
Aurora wants to use grants to promote healthy lifestyle from Daily Herald
Aurora Wants You to volunteer
if Aurora wants to be organic, they had better have a couple of thousand acres for those cows to be chewing on. (That one was too funny to leave out!)

Type in "[your name] gets" in the Google search
Aurora gets heavy dose of skepticism. (often true)
Aurora gets the go-ahead.
Aurora B Gets Tousled (huh?)
Aurora gets deal to create Single Cell Machining System (I don't get this one, but it sounds kind of important!)

Type in "[your name] says" in the Google search
Aurora says no to Wal-Mart (Laura would be happy about this one!)
Aurora says:. "I like most of Lackey's books, but this Trilogy is one of her best"
Aurora says:. "for those of you interested in Catholic Church history (I htink I'm some kind of book critic now)
Aurora says my serial number is invalid and some features are disabled

Type in "[your name] loves" in the Google search
Aurora Loves Her Mommy!, 28 years old, Female, Orlando, Florida
aurora love and aurora light to you. Your music is very beautiful, relaxing and soothing, bless you
Aurora loves me Sticker BumperSticker (Bumper) $4.50

Type in "[your name] hates" in the Google search (This one was really hard to find....)
Aurora hates Charlene, because Charlene has had an affair with Aurora’s. husband, Disney. (page 3 of Google search before those two words actually came up together in a sentence)
The military hates the aurora borealis because it messes things up (page 9)
The Aurora [the car], I can't hate on as much. (this was on page 16, and then I gave up trying. Apparently there's not that much hate out there from Auroras in general, which is a good thing, I think!)

Type in "[your name] has" in the Google search
Aurora has shed its unusual lines and adopted a new look recalling the Intrigue (again, I'm thinking the car)
Aurora has agreed to pay FNX a break-fee of C$1.0 million, payable in ... (sure, just let me get that checkbook out...)
Aurora currently has a residential population of 49407
Originally designed for anti-submarine warfare, the Aurora has a full suite of sensors, radar, cameras and detectors (this was further down the list, but I didn't realize I was a Canadian plane, too! sweet!)

OK, that's it. That's me in a nutshell...or maybe just as a nut.